The Christmas number 1 is… less interesting than you might hope.

1. LadBaby – “I Love Sausage Rolls”

Apparently Britain enjoyed YouTuber Mark Hoyle’s sausage-roll-themed rewrite of “We Built This City” so much when it made it last year’s Christmas Number One that it’s decided to go with the same joke two years running. You’d think diminishing returns would be setting in here, but it’s had a pretty clear run to the top.

Ludicrously, LadBaby becomes the third act ever to have the Christmas number one two years running, the others being the Beatles and the Spice Girls. Remarkably, he’s managed it overwhelmingly on sales – his streams are negligible, but he sold 85,000 copies this week. That’s not really meant to be possible any more – you just don’t get high chart places without streams, and it seemed to have killed off the charity single. Other download campaigns this year got nowhere. But LadBaby shows that it can still be done. It’s a charity single for the Trussell Trust (who campaign on food poverty), but he clearly has a personal appeal.

“Dance Monkey” by Tones & I, drops straight from 1 to 10 after getting whacked with the downweighting rule for older singles past their peak – though it would have been knocked off number 1 anyway. “Last Christmas” by Wham climbs 7-5 for Christmas week, but for the most part the Christmas records stay where they are instead of marching further up the chart. There’s still sixteen of them, mind you. The rest of the top 5 is made up of regular chart singles – Stormzy’s “Own It” at 2, “Before You Go” by Lewis Capaldi at 3, and Dua Lip’s “Don’t Start Now” at 4.

6. Stormzy featuring Headie One – “Audacity”
9. Stormzy – “Lessons”

Yes, Stormzy has released an album in Christmas week, and with “Own It” already in the top 10, he maxes out his three single limit with two new entries. “Heavy is the Head”, his second album, enters at number 2. Normally he’d be a surefire number one but… well, it’s Christmas week and people are buying presents for the relatives. It’s actually a surprisingly normal chart this week, and a quiet one.

“Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles re-enters at 18, because he too has a new album out in Christmas week. “Fine Line” enters at 3 – it doesn’t match his number 1 debut from 2017 but it’s not a bad number at all in a busy week. “Step into Christmas” by Elton John climbs 24-19, and “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” by Michael Bublé edges from 25 to 24. “One More Sleep” by Leona Lewis moves 29-25 and “Falling” by Trevor Daniel climbs 35-26.

“Lucid Dreams” by Juice WRLD re-enters at 27 in a delayed response to his death on 8th December – because it’s a relatively recent record, the surge of sales last week trigger a reset of the downweighting rule, allowing it to chart as normal this week. “Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande climbs 31-28, and “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday” by Wizzard climbs 34-29. “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade is up 36-31, and “Underneath the Tree” by Kelly Clarkson from 39-33.

34. John Legend – “Happy Christmas (War is Over)”

This is an Amazon music exclusive, so enjoy this interview with him instead. Legend was last in the top 40 in 2016 when “Love Me Now” reached 17.

36. Sia – “Santa’s Coming For Us”

This threateningly-titled track from Sia’s Christmas album has charted for three years running now. It reached number 24 last year.

39. Harry Styles – “Falling”

And rounding off this unexpectedly normal week… another track from the Harry Styles album. With “Adore You” at number 12 (down one) and “Watermelon Sugar” re-entering at 18, this maxes out his three songs.

Over on the album chart, Styles is number 3, and Stormzy is number 2, but the unlikely Christmas number one is Rod Stewart’s “You’re in my Heart”, which gets a second week. The rest of the album chart is predictably dead.