I’m two weeks behind on this, so let’s race through the current week’s charts (albeit late) before it turns into three when tomorrow’s chart comes out.  Fortunately, they’ve been pretty quiet weeks.

The previous week’s number 1 was (as expected) “Payphone” by Maroon 5 featuring Wiz Khalifa, evidently not suffering too badly from the sales of spoiler cover versions.  Perhaps it even benefitted.  I still think it’s a pretty uninspiring song, though Samuel Bayer’s video cheerfully ignores it entirely in favour of blowing things up.

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With the Jubilee receding from view, Gary Barlow’s “Sing” drops back to number 3.  No surprise there.  The album is still holding up remarkably well, with a third week at number 1, but it’s surely got to peter out sooner rather than later.

There are a couple of very unlikely new entries on this week’s chart, but first, one that’s entirely predictable…

1.  Cheryl – “Call My Name”

Yes, officially it’s now just “Cheryl”.  For the benefit of readers overseas, this is Cheryl Cole, who you may remember from when she wasn’t on X-Factor in the USA.  Cole is her married name, but her marriage to footballer Ashley Cole broke down some time ago.  (“How do you think I feel when you call my name?”  Well, if the tabloids are anything to go by, I’d guess at “relieved”.)  Her maiden name of Tweedy has evidently been deemed insufficiently glamorous for the demands of the celebutainment industry.

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It’s Jubilee time, everyone!  Actually, as I write this, the British media have already moved on to the Olympic torch.  But this week’s chart shows the fall-out of the big Jubilee concert outside Buckingham Palace, which got a lot of TV time, and was one of the major events booked for the weekend.  The other stand-out was a big flotilla of boats along the Thames, an event which forced the elderly monarch and her husband to stand in the freezing rain without shelter for some two hours.  And then the next day they made her watch JLS.  I suspect she’s had more enjoyable weekends.

But major TV broadcasts of pop music shift records to people who don’t normally pay much attention, and that’s what we see this week, in a chart which combines some Jubilee-related hits and resurgences, a couple of other unexpected appearances, and regular releases from people who evidently figured it was going to be a quiet week.

1.  Gary Barlow & The Commonwealth Band – “Sing”

Jumping from 11 to 1, this is the specially composed song by Gary Barlow and Andrew Lloyd-Webber featuring musicians from around the Commonwealth, though it mainly sounds like Gary Barlow and Andrew Lloyd-Webber.  Some listings have the Military Wives Choir down as featured artists, though the official chart website would apparently beg to differ.  If you count them, it’s their second number one following the Christmas single “Wherever You Are”.

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As predicted, fun. only managed a single week at the top – though coming after a lengthy climb, and with the single still hanging around the top 3 in the midweeks, they’ve still had an impressive run.  For a while, it looked as though the Eurovision winner was going to do it, but as is often the case, sales tailed off in the second half of the week as the contest receded into the dim and distant memory of 72 hours ago.  Instead…

1.  Rudimental (feat. John Newman) – “Feel The Love”

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For the second week running, this was supposed to be a nice clear run at the top for the new single from a major pop group.  And once again, it hasn’t quite happened.

1.  fun featuring Janelle Monae – “We Are Young”

This has been out for weeks, originally entering at 7 and moving 3-3-3-5-2-1 to get to the top.  It’s an unexpected result because it was 10,000 copies behind in the midweeks, but boy bands do have a tendency to flare out after their initial sales surge.

Fun probably won’t have a second week at the top – they’re already down to 3 on iTunes – but a single week is still fine as the climax of seven weeks’ climbing.  The question is now is whether they go down as one-hit wonders – though the follow-up single “Some Nights” has already charted in a couple of territories, so their chances are reasonable.

Notable climbers this week: “Remedy” by Professor Green from 27 to 18, “Princess of China” by Coldplay & Rihanna from 30 to 20, and “Bangarang” by Skrillex from 32 to 24.

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Since it’s a quiet week for new comics, let’s talk about Eurovision!

I’m going to assume that even the Americans among you have a vague understanding of what the Eurovision Song Contest is, since I’ve written about it before.  In short: “Eurovision” is the European Broadcasting Union, which is an organisation of European (or close enough) broadcasters.  Among their many and eccentric activities is the annual Eurovision Song Contest, notionally an international songwriting contest, but actually conceived mainly as an excuse to show off the cutting edge technical possibilities of 1956.  Each country puts in a song, each country votes, winner gets to host the show next year.

The Eurovision Song Contest has a proud tradition of being almost totally detached from anything that might be described as actual popular music anywhere in Europe, though every so often (as with this year’s winner) something comes along to challenge that.  Sometimes even the oddities are genuinely entertaining in their own right.  And sometimes entire countries either phone it in or transparently take the piss.  The result is a truly unique spectacle – songs you’d never hear anywhere else, often for very good reason, locked in flamboyantly bizarre battle.

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(NB: See the housekeeping announcement a post down, if you’re looking for this week’s podcast.)

This is the busiest chart in quite some while, though it’s also a week of relatively low sales and some underwhelming debuts.  Still, nine new entries, and a couple of substantial climbers.  There’s no move at number 1, but by a very slender margin; Rita Ora held on by less than a thousand sales.

1.  Rita Ora feat Tinie Tempah – “R.I.P.”

Doesn’t look like it’s going to manage a third week, and I wrote plenty about it last week, so let’s move on.  The highest climber is “Express Yourself” by Labrinth, jumping from 34 to 17; Emeli Sande’s “My Kind Of Love” predictably vaults 27 to 19; and the Fun single “We Are Young” has rebounded to number 2 after being covered on The Voice.  It might yet make number 1 – it’s at 2 in the midweeks, but that’s behind the Wanted, and boy band sales tend to be heavily front loaded because the fans all buy the record as soon as it comes out.

On with the new entries…

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Just a single week at number one for “Young” by Tulisa, though it’s still selling in pretty respectable quantities.  It’s replaced by a record which, judging from the midweeks, might be around for a while.

If you haven’t heard this before, pop quiz: who do you think it was originally written for?

1.  Rita Ora featuring Tinie Tempah – “R.I.P.”

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We’ve missed a few weeks, but worry not – they all featured Carly Rae Jepsen still at number one, giving her a four week reign.  As it happens, this week sees a change at the top anyway.  Bring on the generic dance-pop!

1.  Tulisa – “Young”.

This is the solo debut for Tulisa Contostavlos of N-Dubz, who have had ten hits in their own right since 2007, and also guested on Tinchy Stryder’s number 1 hit “Number 1” back in 2009.  In fact, the producer of this record is one of the quieter members of N-Dubz, so it’s not all that solo – though the shift to dance music does mark a change from the rap/pop crossover stuff that N-Dubz used to do.  Still, it’s arguably more N-Dubz Without The Bloke In The Hat.  Which most of us, I think, would applaud as a wise move.

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It’s the busiest week for new entries in ages – 7 new entries, plus three surprise re-entries from the back catalogue.  One of them very surprising indeed, in fact.  But sitting serenely above them all…

1.  Carly Rae Jepsen – “Call Me Maybe”

Second week at number one, and for the second straight week she outsells the number two single 2:1. It’s almost certainly going to hang on for a third. It’s a huge hit.

2.  Justin Bieber – “Boyfriend”

No video for this yet, but it’s a fairly blatant example of Bieber trying to grow with his audience and turn into Justin Timberlake.  Can you take seriously the idea of a sultry Justin Bieber?  No, me neither.

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