It’s Christmas, apparently!  It must be, they have the red cups out, and Bob Geldof is aggrieved.

26.  Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds – “In The Heat of the Moment”

The lead single from their second album.  I say “they”, I think we all know this sells basically as a Noel Gallagher solo project.  Nostalgia rock acts like this don’t usually shift enough singles to chart any more; they make their money on the albums (if anywhere).  But Noel evidently still has the ability to get the fans out when he writes a decent song.  And though it sticks doggedly to his well established formula, this is a pretty good rendition of it.

25.  5 Seconds of Summer – “Good Girls”

“Good girls are bad girls that haven’t been caught”.  Hmm.  Well, you know your audience, I guess.  This was originally a promotional single in October, when it got to number 19; it’s now being promoted as a full scale single.  Doesn’t look like it’s getting any higher this time.

23.  One Direction – “Night Changes”

One Direction’s album “Four” enters the album chart at number 1 this week; technically this is currently just the track that fans are cherry picking, but it’s been announced as the next single, hence the video above.  It’s perfectly pleasant, and the video is a hilarious piece of fan-bait.  Make believe that you’re on a date with a member of One Direction, ladies!  (Actually, the pay-off is quite funny, if you don’t know it’s coming.  Probably not now, though.)  The official single “Steal My Girl” falls to 6 this week.

12.  Rixton – “Wait On Me”

That’ll be the follow-up to their July number 1 “Me and My Broken Heart”.  Gets them off the one-hit-wonder list, but that’s about all.  Basically a Maroon 5 record, and actually better than the last single.  But here it is, outside the top 10.

8.  Wretch 32 – “6 Words”

Ooh, this is really quite good.  Wasn’t expecting that.

This is the fourth single from his upcoming album “Growing Over Life”.  Previously pitched largely as a grime artist, he’s clearly spreading out with this rather delightful chill-out love song.  Somehow, Wretch 32 has managed to avoid becoming a proper mainstream star despite this being his fifth top ten hit (one of which got to number 1).  Hopefully this sticks around long enough for a wider audience to hear it.

5.  David Guetta featuring Sam Martin – “Dangerous”

Guetta’s new album “Listen” came out today; this is the final single for it.  By Guetta’s standards, it’s a departure from the formula – a bit less of the anthem, a bit more of the strings and the Daft Punk.  In the video version, it takes a year and a day to get going – the actual song finally gets under way just before the four minute mark – but the three minute radio edit is actually pretty strong.  And yes, that’s actor James Purefoy driving the other car.

Sam Martin makes his second chart appearance, having previously guested on Guetta’s “Lovers On The Sun” earlier in the year.

3.  Olly Murs featuring Travie McCoy – “Wrapped Up”

Good lord, is this guy still going?   This is the lead single from Murs’ fourth album, and it’s typically… polished, I guess.  It’s his highest chart placing since “Troublemaker” got to number 1 in 2012.

2.  Clean Bandit featuring Jess Glynne – “Real Love”

This would have been Clean Bandit’s second number 1 if they hadn’t smashed straight into Band Aid.  But they’re on Band Aid, so they can’t really complain, I guess.  An unusually straight performance video suggests that the video production schedule has finally caught up with them; maybe they’ll get back to making more interesting stuff with the next album.  This has been available on their album for months, but promotion as a single seems to have reached a new audience.  It’s got a good chorus, and it would have been a very acceptable number 1.

1.  Band Aid 30 – “Do They Know It’s Christmas? (2014)”

It’s back, and this time it’s opposed to ebola!  But let’s start by acknowledging the fact that not only is this the fastest selling single of the year, it had already achieved that mark by Wednesday.  So.  Keeping that in perspective…

This is the fourth rendition of “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”, all of which have been number 1s – the original in 1984, the politely erased from history Band Aid II from 1989, the oh god did that actually happen Band Aid 20 from 2004, and now this.  Let’s hope something truly apocalyptic befalls Africa in the latter part of 2024, so we can wheel it out again then.  Band Aid 37 just doesn’t have the same ring.

“Do They Know It’s Christmas” is only the second song to reach number 1 in four different versions.  The other one is “Unchained Melody”, which made number 1 for Jimmy Young in 1955, the Righteous Brothers on re-issue in 1990, Robson & Jerome in 1995, and Gareth Gates in 2002. Bit of a decline over the years there.

The people on the record this time are Bastille, Bono, Clean Bandit, Disclosure, Paloma Faith, Guy Garvey (the lead singer from Elbow), Ellie Goulding, Angelique Kidjo, Chris Martin, Olly Murs, Sinead O’Connor, One Dirction, Rita Ora, Emeli Sande, Seal, Ed Sheeran, Sam Smith, Underworld (who contribute a remix), and, er, a handful of high-profile vloggers and Radio 1 DJ Nick Grimshaw.

There is obviously a case to be made that the song is starting to sound  condescending.  Realistically, it’s not like the people of West Africa are unable to rustle up a calendar between them.  If anyone over there doesn’t know it’s Christmas, that’s probably because it’s November.   Fuse ODG certainly thought so – he turned down the offer to be on this record, since positivity about the new Africa is kind of his thing.  As he explains, he thinks the song falls into a tradition of fundraisers that stress exclusively the negative about Africa, which leads to Africans being seen as the sort of helpless wretches who can’t get anything done without nice white people to help them out.

Still, it’s the fastest seller of the year by a mile, with downloads of 312,000 in one week, and no doubt it’ll be here next week too.

Albums:

• “Four” by One Direction at 1, as noted.
• “It’s The Girls” by Bette Midler at 6.  This is surprising – Bette Midler hasn’t been in the top 40 with an original studio album since 1991, and it’s not as if her prolific US output ever made that much impact on the UK chart.  This collection of girl group covers is apparently what the British have been waiting for.  Sample track: “Be My Baby”.
• “Nothing Has Changed” by David Bowie at 9.  Multi-formatted compilation album – the triple CD version is apparently the most authentic.  Single: “Sue (Or In A Season of Crime)”.  (Not the easiest of listens, but Bowie can get away with this kind of thing.)
• “Home Sweet Home” by Katherine Jenkins at 10.  More classical crossover material for the Christmas market.  Single: “Dreaming of the Days”.
• “No Fixed Address” by Nickelback at 12.  That’d be their first studio album to miss the top 10.  Implausibly titled single: “Edge of a Revolution”.
• “Serenata” by Alfie Boe at 14.  And more classical crossover. His last four albums made the top 10, so this is a bit below par.  Single: “Volare”.
• “Avonmore” by Bryan Ferry at 19.  His 15th solo album, charting at his typical level these days.  Single: “Loop De Li”.
• “Stand Beside Me: Live In Concert” by Daniel O’Donnell at 20.  Christmas Granny purchases – Irish division.  Number 20 is actually on the low side for O’Donnell.  He doesn’t seem to have any YouTube presence, but what would be the point, really?
• “If Everyone Was Listening” by Michael Ball at 21.  What a horrific thought.  Single: “Let It Be Me”.
• “The Greatest Hits” by Luther Vandross at 22.  Self-explanatory.
• “Hello Like Before” by Shirley Bassey at 24.  Covers compilation, celebrating sixty years in the business.