Well, this is not going to surprise anyone.

1. Taylor Swift featuring Post Malone – “Fortnight”
3. Taylor Swift – “The Tortured Poets Department”
4. Taylor Swift – “Down Bad”

That’s the maximum three tracks from “The Tortured Poets Department”, which enters the album chart at number 1. Taylor Swift hasn’t missed number 1 with a studio album since 2010 – and yes, that’s counting the “Taylor’s Version” releases. She doesn’t manage a clean sweep of the top 3, with Hozier hanging in at number 2.

“Fortnight” is both the official single and the opening track, and so gets the most streams. It’s only her  fourth number one single – more a sign of bad luck than anything else, since she’s had five number 2s. Her other number 1s are “Look What You Made Me Do” (2017), “Anti-Hero” (2022) and “Is It Over Now? (Taylor’s Version)” (2023). Post Malone gets a featured artist credit, even though he’s more noticeable in the video than on the record – finally giving him a second number 1 to follow “Rockstar” (2017).

It’s probably the weakest of these three songs, but musically they’re all very similar. Even the original release of the album is an hour long, and the second disc expands it to two – usually a red flag that someone needs an editor. I’ve always found Taylor Swift less interesting the more self-absorbed she gets, and nothing about these tracks makes me want to hear the rest of the album.

14. Drake – “Push Ups”

This is the latest instalment in Drake’s feud with… (checks notes) Metro Boomin, Future and Kendrick Lamar, apparently. It’s a rare outing in the singles chart for Drake actually rapping, and it has more energy than most of his music these days, but there’s a ceiling on diss tracks beyond the core audience. At least, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that that’s why a new Drake track is entering outside the top 10.

16. Shaboozey – “A Bar Song (Tipsy)”

This was number 41 last week, so it’s got momentum. Based on the name and title I was braced for this to be a novelty record, but it turns out to be another instalment in the country influx. It’s from the end of country that’s within shouting distance of Mumford & Sons, so not quite as unusual a sighting on the UK singles chart. It’s the debut hit for Collins Chibueze – “Shaboozey” is meant to be an American mangling of his Nigerian surname.

33. Headie One featuring Stormzy & Tay Keith – “Cry No More”

Headie One had a top 10 hit last year with “Martin’s Sofa”, but that was an outlier – down in the 30s is more typical for him. I’m a bit more surprised to see a Stormzy appearance this far down, but he didn’t make the top 10 with any of his singles last year, so maybe I shouldn’t be.

That’s it for new entries – understandably, not many people fancy going up against a Taylor Swift album. This week’s climbers:

• “Espresso” by Sabrina Carpenter climbs 6-5, the first time she’s made the top 5.
• “Belong Together” by Mark Ambor climbs 13-12.
• “Tell Ur Girlfriend” by Lay Bankz climbs 31-18, so it looks like it’s on its way to the top 10.
• “Good Luck Babe” by Chappell Roan climbs 33-22, also well deserved.

And, um, yes, that’s it. The six tracks leaving the top 40 are:

• “Greedy” by Tate McRae, which peaked at number 3 but has been around since last September and spend four months in the top 10.
• “What Was I Made For” by Billie Eilish, which peaked at 16 and had five weeks on its latest run.
• “Jolene” by Beyoncé, which peaked at 8 and lasted three weeks, but then it’s an album track. Todd in the Shadows has a good video on this cover.
• “II Most Wanted” by Beyoncé & Miley Cyrus, which peaked at 9 and is in a similar position.
• “Training Season” by Dua Lipa, which peaked at 4 and lasted 9 weeks.
• “Whatever” by Kygo & Ava Max, which peaked at 15 but lasted a decent 13 weeks for some unfathomable reason.

The longest-running track in the top 40… is no longer “Greedy” by Tate McRae. It’s now “Stick Season” by Noah Kahan, celebrating 29 gloriously uninterrupted weeks in the top 40, and still placed at number 15. (“Prada” has actually been around for longer, but it was out of the top 40 for three weeks over Christmas. So not uninterrupted.)

On the album chart, we’ve already covered Taylor Swift at number 1.

2. Pearl Jam – “Dark Matter” 

Pearl Jam normally place in the middle of the top 10 with a studio album, so this is on the good side for them. They’ve never had a number one album, but they’ve had two previous number 2 albums – 2013’s “Lightning Bolt” came in behind John Newman’s “Tribute”, and 1993’s “Versus” was released in the same week as “Everything Changes” by Take That.

5. UB40 – “UB45” 

Their 21st album. If you’re thinking “isn’t their singer awfully young”, that’s Matt Doyle, who replaced Duncan Campbell in 2021. Number 5 is their highest chart position since 2009.

15. Bruce Springsteen – “Best Of Bruce Springsteen”

Exactly what it sounds like. It’s the eighth compilation album he’s put out, whatever the point of that is in the digital era.

16. Blur – “Parklife”

30th anniversary reissue – it’s also Record Store Day, hence a bunch of vinyl reissues showing up here. It had a single week at number 1 on release in 1994, but it did spend 36 weeks in the top 10.

21. Pink Floyd – “Dark Side of the Moon”

Clear vinyl reissue to celebrate (checks notes) the 50th anniversary of the album’s release. Which was last year.

31. Orbital – “Orbital”

That’s a re-issue of debut album from 1991 (sometimes called “the Green Album”), not the 1993 follow-up of the same name (“the Brown Album”), which the OCC website wrongly lists as the same record. The 1991 album has never actually made the top 40 before.

There is no official video for the single “Chime”, but this is their debut appearance on Top of the Pops, where they made the bare minimum of effort to pretend that they were doing anything, and weren’t invited back for six years.

32. The 1975 – “Live From Gorilla”

Live performance of their debut album from 2023, released on vinyl for Record Store Day. There aren’t any official videos for this.

39. David Bowie – “Waiting in the Sky (Before the Starman Came to Earth)”

Another Record Store Day release. It’s an alternate version of “The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars” with unreleased tracks and rarities.