(Aside: I normally try to avoid posting these things on the same day as a podcast, but the record won’t be number one this time tomorrow, so I’d better get it out of the way.  Look one post below for this week’s show.)

So, Katy Perry’s “California Gurls” lasted a fortnight at the top.  It was replaced last Sunday by something we don’t see that often in the download era – a record that got to number one largely on the strength of fans buying it in the first few days.  The ability to download album tracks has largely blunted that sort of sales pattern, but it can still happen with the first single from a new album.

If you haven’t heard this before, prepare to ask yourself “What were they thinking?” in the first ten seconds.

This is “The Club is Alive”, the lead single from JLS‘s second album.  JLS came second in the 2008 season of X-Factor, losing out to Alexandra Burke.  Simon Cowell didn’t pick up his option to sign them, but they’ve done pretty well for themselves.  Their debut album last year had two number one hits (“Beat Again” and “Everybody in Love”), and the other single “One Shot” still made number 6.  None of them was especially good – the over-literal dance routine in the “Beat Again” video is truly dire – but there was clearly a gap in the market somewhere for a British R&B act.  Whether that’ll translate to foreign markets – and apparently the plan with the second album is to try and break them overseas – I have my doubts.  But still, three number ones from four singles.  That’s an impressive strike rate.

The single, though… let’s be kind and say that it’s divided reviewers.  More accurately, I’ve seen a couple of positive reviews of it, but the accompanying comment threads seem to be pretty unanimous in thinking it’s a dud.  It’s autotuned to within an inch of its life, even by today’s standards.  And the chorus is based around “The Hills are Alive”.  A bold move by any standard.  Referencing The Sound of Music in a pop song rarely turns out well.  And if you’re going to do it, you might as well commit and be completely insane.

I don’t particularly hate “The Club Is Alive” – I’m too busy being baffled by it.  The chorus just seems insanely out of place in a record that’s trying to be a mainstream R&B pop track.

Anyway, it made number one on the strength of big sales in the first few days of lat week.  It had dropped off the top of the iTunes chart even by Sunday when it was announced as the new number one.  It won’t be number one again tomorrow. The midweek charts have it at number 7.  This is the sort of thing that used to happen with McFly singles – once the fanbase had all bought a copy, sales crashed, because there wasn’t much wider appeal.

Ironically, because there aren’t many major releases this week, it will very probably be replaced by a record which has already been on the charts for the better part of two months, steadily building an audience.  But that’s another column.

Also entering the chart over the last couple of weeks:

• “I Like It” by Enrique Iglesias featuring Pitbull, peaking at number 4 two weeks ago.  Enrique’s twelfth hit, and the biggest since “Do You Know?” in 2007.  Pitbull’s sixth, and the joint biggest along with “I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)” and “All Night Long” (an Alexandra Burke single which he was apparently on somewhere).  This is the UK lead single from Enrique’s album “Euphoria” – his British record company are shying away from the Spanish language songs which were used to promote the album in America.  Even the UK album has only two Spanish language tracks.  The song is based loosely around Lionel Richie’s “All Night Long” (no 2 in 1983).
• “We No Speak Americano”, in two different versions.  This calls for a bit of explanation.  I’ve mentioned before that singles are sometimes rushed into the shops ahead of schedule when cheap cover versions start picking up sales.  This is one such case, but it’s unusual in that the knock-off actually charted.  The original – kind of – is by the Australian producers Yolanda Be Cool and D-Cup, who’ve never previously charted in the UK.

The sample is from “Tu Vuo Fa L’Americano”, supposedly the original version by Renato Carosone (1920-2001), a big hit in Italy in 1956.  You might also recognise it from a cover version in The Talented Mr Ripley.  The song is actually making fun of Italians who act like wannabe Americans (while still living at home with mum and dad). So I’m told, anyway.

The Yolanda Be Cool remix has been in the pipeline for a while. Cue the obligatory spoiler version, credited to Marco Calliari.

Now, you’ll note that, unusually for a cheap spoiler cover, this has a proper video. Why? Well, Marco Calliari is a Quebecois singer who recorded his Italian-influenced album “Che La Vita” in 2006. And what he actually recorded, four years ago, was a straight cover version of “Tu Vuo Fa L’Americano”.

Someone in the record company, one assumes, has dusted this off and had it remixed into a clone of the Yolanda Be Cool record. Quite how Calliari feels about this – let alone about having his name attached to the enterprise – I have no idea. Making matters even weirder, Calliari started off in 1989 as a member of Anonymus, a thrash band.

The Calliari version reached 26 before Yolanda’s record company gave in and released the “proper” track.  It’s currently at number 5 and likely to climb.

• Where were we?  Ah yes… “My First Kiss” by 3OH!3 featuring Ke$ha at number 7.  Congratulations to Ke$ha’s agent, for negotiating a featured artist credit on the strength of her blink-and-you’ll-miss-it contribution to the single.  It’s their fourth hit, and her sixth.  Relatively un-obnoxious, by both their standards.  And there’s no denying that they can write a hook.

• “Pack Up” by Eliza Doolittle at number 12.  Despite what you’ll read elsewhere, this record does not sample “Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kit Bag”, the feelgood hit of 1915, which explains the life-affirming possibilities of enlisting for trench warfare; it’s a re-recording (with altered lyrics, which ought to be a clue if you’re paying attention).  The guy on the chorus is actually Lloyd Wade.  Eliza Doolittle’s first single “Skinny Genes” only made number 22 in April, so the record company will be pleased that this one’s making more progress.  I really like this, actually – it ought to be insufferably twee, and the video certainly has a whiff of the gap year about it, but it’s just so bouncy.
• “Rescue Me” by Skepta at number 14.  Second solo hit for the London rapper, after “Badboy” reached 27 in March (though he’s also a member of Roll Deep, who had a number 1 earlier in the year).  It’s been a while since we’ve had an English rapper whining that he doesn’t get no respect, and unless I’m missing something, Skepta seems to be reviving the tradition here.  (For a particularly egregious example, try Mark B & Blade’s “You Don’t See The Signs” – though it does have a great remix by Feeder.)
• “Prayin'” by Plan B at number 24 and climbing.  Fourth hit for the rapper turned soul singer, whose new direction continues to pay dividends.
• “4th of July (Fireworks)” by Kelis at number 32.  Well, that’s what happens when you take a perfectly straightforward pop song and stick forty seconds of cut-up piano at the start.  Her 16th hit – and, unless it goes further, the lowest placing for a Kelis single since 2000 when “Get Along With You” missed the top 40.
• “I Am Who I Am” by Lee Ryan at number 33.  Unimpressive placing for the lead single from Ryan’s second album, but then it’s a bit of a dirge.  Ryan used to be in the boy band Blue, and he released a previous solo album in 2005, which spawned three top ten hits.  Mind you, his last single “Reinforce Love” bombed out at number 101 in 2007, so he’s moving in the right direction.
• “Somebody to Love” by Justin Bieber, which peaked at number 34 two weeks ago.  Regrettably not a cover of the Queen song.  Bieber’s fourth UK hit.
• “Find Your Love” by Drake at number 36.  Top 40 debut for the Canadian rapper.  Video has an insanely ponderous, self-important intro.