Please go away. Please.

1. Ed Sheeran – “Bad Habits”

Well, that’s ten weeks. If he’s past his peak, the chart rules will downweight him next week and he’ll be on his way. If not, and he manages an eleventh week, that’ll be the longest run at the top since “Dance Monkey” in late 2019. It heads up a static top four, for the second week running – “Stay” by Kid Laroi and Justin Bieber has been stuck at number 2 for five weeks now and would clearly have been a number one single against any normal competition.

7. Kanye West – “Hurricane”
11. Kanye West – “Jail”
15. Kanye West – “Off the Grid”

The maximum three permitted tracks from his new album “Donda”, which enters at number 1. It’s only his third number 1 album in the UK, the others being 2007’s “Graduation” and 2013’s “Yeezus”, but his last two albums both made number 2, so this hardly ranks as a surprise. There are no official singles from this album, and the only track with a video is “Come to Life” (which is just footage from one of his album playback events).

Why are these three leading the pack? For the first two, it’s probably the guest stars, even though they don’t get a credit on the chart. “Hurricane” has vocals from the Weeknd. It’s actually a track originally recorded for the album that became “Jesus is King”. It’s also pretty good. “Jail” has a verse by Jay-Z. (Not to be confused with “Jail, Part 2” later on the album, which is the one with the controversial guest stars.) It has no percussion and it’s not something that would normally be seen as a single, though it is quite attention-grabbing. “Off the Grid” is more likely to be here purely on its own merits, since the guests are Playboi Carti and Fivio Foreign, neither of whom is a particularly big deal in chart terms in this country.

Next week, we’ll have the same thing with Drake, most likely.

36. Becky Hill & Topic – “My Heart Goes (La Di Da)”

It took Becky Hill a while, but over the last couple of years she’s established herself as at least a regular presence in the top 40. The Voice UK found an actual star after all, it was just several years early. The song is… fine? It’s a dance record, it’s got a calculatedly catchy chorus, it’s fine.

The parent album, “Only Honest On The Weekend”, enters the album chart at 7 – a big improvement on her 2019 debut album, awkwardly titled “Get To Know”, which could only reach 20.

40. David Guetta x Mistajam x John Newman – “If You Really Love Me (How Will I Know)”

Similarly, you know what you’re getting with David Guetta. The other two names on this track are more of a surprise – John Newman had three number one hits singing with the likes of Rudimental and Calvin Harris between 2012 and 2014, but he hasn’t charted since 2016. I believe health problems may have contributed to that. Mistajam, making his chart debut, is a club DJ and radio presenter, but isn’t particularly known for actually making records. The chorus here is based around “How Will I Know” by Whitney Houston, a number 5 hit in 1986.

This week’s climbers:

• “Industry Baby” by Lil Nas X & Jack Harlow climbs 7-5.
• “Out Out” by Joel Corry, Jax Jones & Charli XCX climbs 10-6. It’s now Charli’s biggest hit since “Boom Clap” back in 2014.
• “Kiss My (Uh Oh)” by Anne-Marie & Little Mix climbs 14-10, finally reaching the top ten after spending five weeks floating around the bottom half of the top 20.
• “Heat Waves” by Glass Animals surprisingly re-enters at 18, which is a new peak for it (it got to 19 back in May). I gather a Netflix show used it, and it’s given it a second lease of life on TikTok.
• “Cold Heart (Pnau Remix)” by Elton John & Dua Lipa climbs 35-23. Christmas aside, Elton John hasn’t been this high up the chart since 2009, when he got a featured artist credit for being sampled on Ironik’s “Tiny Dancer”.

On the album chart, Kanye West is number 1.

2. Maisie Peters – “You Signed Up For This”

Debut album. She’s a songwriter who came up through YouTube, and she’s signed to Ed Sheeran’s label. This feels like a single that was intended to chart, and it climbs from 72 to 57 this week. Maybe it’ll go further. You never know.

4. CHVRCHES – “Screen Violence”

Their fourth straight top 10 album, matching the peak of 2015’s “Every Open Eye”. Great, aren’t they?

5. Halsey – “If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power”

This is Halsey’s highest-placed album, though not by much – it beats last year’s “Manic” by one place. Unusually, the first single from this album (above) has only just come out. It’s currently sitting at number 72 on the singles chart in its first week, but it could certainly climb from there.

Number 7 is the Becky Hill album covered above.

19. The Beach Boys – “Feel Flows – The Sunflower & Surf’s Up Sessions 1969-1971”

5-CD box set archive release of material recorded for “Sunflower” (number 29 in 1970) and “Surf’s Up” (number 15 in 1971). It’s a copyright extension release, basically.

22. Toyah – “Posh Pop”

Gosh. Toyah Wilcox hasn’t had a top 40 album since 1985. Admittedly, she stopped releasing albums regularly in the mid-90s, but she has released one every few years. Quite why this has suddenly appeared in the top 30, I have no clue. The video above is majestically inexpensive. There are several videos for tracks on this album and they’re all like this. “Summer of Love”  is particularly memorable.

28. Supergrass – “In It For The Money”

Remastered reissue of their second album, which reached number 2 in 1997.

30. OneRepublic – “Human”

Troubled Project alert. This album was originally due for release in 2019, got delayed into 2020, got delayed again due to Covid, and now finally slinks out to a dismal number 30 chart placing. Bear in mind OneRepublic’s last two albums made the top ten. They’ve released six singles for this album over two years, none of which have made the top 40 – the first time that’s happened to them.

40. The Kooks – “Inside In / Inside Out”

15th anniversary deluxe reissue of their debut album, which reached number 2 in 2006. Their last studio album, 2018’s “Let’s Go Sunshine”, still got to number 9.