There is truly nothing quite like the Eurovision Song Contest.  For those of you reading this outside Europe, a brief bit of context: it’s a contest in which countries from across a very broadly defined Europe each enter a song, and then there’s a Europe-wide phone vote (combined with scores from national judges) to determine a winner.  Long regarded in the west as a piece of amusing kitsch, the contest is taken rather more seriously by the newer entrants from the east.  The result is a baffling mixture of legitimate pop, sentimental ballads about love and/or global unity, odd novelty records, inexplicable misfires, and genuinely interesting curios that would never get an international audience anywhere else.

The show is hosted each year by the winner of the previous contest, a prize widely regarded as something of a curse, since it costs a fortune even with the contribution from the big five.  Consequently, there was some relief when Sweden won last year, since they can actually afford to host it.  Even so, the wise Scandinavians have tried to rein things in a bit this year, sending the show to Malmo rather than Stockholm, and dialling back the crazy displays of excess that have characterised some recent years.  (When the Russians hosted, they claimed to have one third of the world’s LCD televisions on the stage, or something insane like that.)

Restraint is a relative concept in the Eurovision Song Contest, though; we’re still talking about a stadium with a capacity of 11,000.  But you’ll note that the truly insane staging was less in evidence this year.

Britain, of course, continues to cost on its automatic bye to the finals, which we get for contributing heavily to the budget.  (France, Spain, Germany and Italy are in the same boat, but most of them try harder.)  This year we sent in a Bonnie Tyler album track.  It isn’t worth my time including here.  It enters the UK singles chart this week at number 99, on the strength of a week’s sales.  By comparison, the winner made number 93, which one suspects was largely due to a few hours’ sales on Saturday night – it’s currently inside the top 20 on iTunes.

We won’t be going through all 26 finalists here, let alone the 13 unsuccessful semi-finalists – life’s too short – but for those of you missed the show, here are some of the more noteworthy entrants.

Denmark – Emmelie De Forest, “Only Teardrops”

Let’s start with the winner, a sort of Scandinavian Shakira.  It’s not the strongest winner of recent years, but it’s a  good example of the modern Eurovision formula – a strong chorus, a bit of folky window dressing, someone with a decent voice.  She’s not a star in Denmark; she’s an unknown who won their national selection heats.

Probably not a song I’d have gone out of my way to mention if it hadn’t won, but a perfectly acceptable winner.

Azerbaijan – Fareed Mammadov, “Hold Me”

The runner-up isn’t necessarily a more interesting song, but it does have great staging.  Eurovision is one of the rare venues where the former Soviet republics get to do their thing on equal billing with the western countries, and the result can be some decidedly odd sensibilities getting their moment in the sun.  Here, the Azerbaijanis have decided that what their song really needs is a man in a perspex box.  Stranger yet, they might actually be right.

Again, those looking for a winning formula for 2014 will want to note that this sort of grandiose melodramatic ballad does well with modern Eurovision audiences.

The third-placed song is a slightly perkier ballad along similar lines – “Gravity” by Zlata Ogenich of the Ukraine.  I’m not going to post it here, because it’s not much cop as a song, and it inexplicably uses its one big staging idea in the first ten seconds – Zlata is carried onto the stage by an eight-foot giant, who plonks her on her podium and leaves.

Norway – Margaret Berger, “I Feed You My Love”

Nothing especially memorable about the live performance for this, so let’s have the rather odd promo video instead.  Why lipsynch when you can just stare at the camera?  This is obviously back in the ballpark of mainstream western pop music, and it’s a grower, I think.

Greece – Koza Mostra featuring Agathon Iakovidis, “Alcohol Is Free”

At these difficult economic times, what could be better than alcohol-fuelled Greco-ska?  Awesome.

Hungary – ByeAlex, “Kedvesem (Zoohacker remix)”

(Yes, specifically the Zoohacker remix.)

This is apparently what hipsters look like in Budapest.  Give it some time, though.  I was singularly unimpressed the first time I heard it, but by the time they’d finished their performance at the final, I’d come round to it.  It’s repetitive – it’s hugely repetitive – but there’s something quite sweet about it, and a refreshing change from all the stadium-fillers around it.

Moldova – Aliona Moon, “O Mie”

Another turbo-powered slab of melodrama from Eastern Europe, but I really quite like this as a tune, and it’s got one of the year’s more notable staging gimmicks.  Admittedly, one we’ll be seeing again quite shortly.

Now then… this is the one nobody’s going to forget in a hurry.  Believe me, this one will take you by surprise.

Romania – Cezar, “It’s My Life”

Told you.  It’s got everything, it really has.  Absolutely barking, and a pretty decent track to boot.  The BBC would never have the nerve to enter this.  God bless you, Romania.

Lithuania – Andrius Pojavis, “Something”

Eastern European indie pop, with this year’s most baffling lyrics.  “If you don’t know / I’m love with you / When summertime falls / It becomes untrue / Because of my shoes / I’m wearing today / One is called love / The other is pain.”  Er… okay.  Surely that didn’t even make sense in Lithuanian?

France – Amandine Bourgeois, “L’enfer et moi”

The French never win any more, but at least they try to put in something different.  This is no exception.  Sounds like it belongs on a Tarantino soundtrack.

Finland – Krista Siegfrids, “Marry Me”

This came third from bottom, to general astonishment in the UK.  It’s the sort of thing the British (and evidently the Finns) think Eurovision is about.  With hindsight, I think they misjudged on two levels.  It’s too cheesy for a lot of the western voters – it’s a milder version of the same mentality that once led the UK to enter Scooch – and the lesbian kiss at the end was never going to play well with swathes of voters in the eastern countries.  (Not that it did all that well in the west either.)  Oh, and if you’re wondering just how tacked on the gay marriage angle is, the promo video that was posted back in February is unequivocally heterosexual.

The Irish also had a surprisingly bad year, coming last with a song which was admittedly not that great, but did enough Celtic pandering to suggest they were trying.  Perhaps that stuff is finally wearing thin.

SPECIAL BONUS SONG:

Montenegro – Who See, “Igranka”

Starts as pop rap, and then turns into Montenegro’s surprisingly convincing answer to Chase & Status.  This somehow failed to make it past semifinal 1, which is just inexplicable.