If you were expecting a bunch of tracks from Lou Reed’s back catalogue, well, no.  “Perfect Day” was at 45 and “Walk on the Wild Side” at 53, for those wondering.  “Transformer” re-enters the album chart at 35, but otherwise it seems Lou Reed just isn’t the sort of artist whose death inspires downloads.  Can’t imagine that’s something he’d be losing much sleep over.

37.  M.A.D. – “Toyboy”

From one tragedy to another!  From what little I can find about them online, M.A.D. are that bleakest of pop phenomena, the under-resourced tax loss boy band.  I mean, just look at that video.

The letters stand for Michael, Aiden & Dan, and the top hit on Google for them is an article from WalesOnline back in September, which says that they’ve been together since the summer.  I wouldn’t hold your breath waiting for that second single, though you never know – Take That’s first hit only got to 38, so sometimes bloodyminded perseverance in the face of seeming indifference pays off.  But we can’t all be Gary Barlow.

36.  Lady Gaga – “Applause” 

A re-entry on the strength of pre-orders for the album.  This is a bit of an embarrassment for the chart, for reasons I outlined last week.  Let’s recap.  The chart is struggling to deal with “instant gratification” promos for album pre-orders.  The idea is these promotions is that you pre-order the album and you get to download the singles at once.  You get charged for the single(s) now, and the rest of the album when it’s released.  This lets fans buy the singles without having to buy them all over again when the album comes out.  In theory, it’s perfectly sensible.

But the data collected by the chart compilers doesn’t allow them to distinguish between standalone purchases, and instant grat downloads.  And if you just counted every instant grat download as a single then that could be used to rig the chart – you could have half the album as an instant grat, and then claim that every pre-order amounted to a sale of six singles.  The compromise is that each album is allowed one instant grat track, and all of the downloads of that track count towards the singles chart, even if they were actually album pre-orders.  Any other instant grat track is de facto excluded from the singles chart because, although in theory its standalone sales are eligible, the compilers have no way of measuring them.

There are four instant grat tracks on “ARTPOP”, and this is the nominated eligible one. But the other ones are so much higher up the iTunes chart that they must clearly be getting there on the strength of standalone sales that ought to be eligible.  Lady Gaga probably ought to have one or two top ten hits this week.  Instead she’s got this.

The same issue arises for Eminem, whose previous three singles are still selling, but are disqualified this week because “Monster” has been designated as the eligible single from the instant grat package.

28.  Justin Bieber – “Recovery” 

This week’s “Music Mondays” release.  They’re getting smaller – will they all make the top 40?

12.  Foxes – “Youth”

Louisa “Foxes” Allen has been on the “bound to have a hit sooner or later” watch list since 2011.  She’s actually cropped up twice this year as a guest vocalist, on “Clarity” by Zedd and “Right Here” by Rudimental.  But this is her much belated solo debut, and it’s a damn good track.  I have no idea why her label has taken so long to get to this stage – the album apparently isn’t due until 2015 – but it seems her mainstream career is finally hitting its stride.

8.  The Wanted – “Show Me Love (America)”

This is an awfully conventional boy band single by the Wanted’s standards, though they’ve thoughtfully tacked twenty seconds of pretentious montage onto the front of the video to raise your expectations.

It was at 4 in the midweeks, so it’s not showing much staying power beyond their fan base – an unfortunately familiar issue for them.  It’s the fifth single from their much delayed, much reworked album “Word of Mouth”, which finally came out yesterday.

6.  Tinie Tempah featuring John Martin – “Children of the Sun”

The follow-up to “Trampoline”, which made number 3 in August.  Where that single was not obviously a commercial choice, this one is practically licking radio in its intimate parts by comparison.

4.  One Direction – “Story of My Life”

Whoops.  This was at number 1 on the midweeks, so something’s gone a bit wrong for it to land at 4.  It’s actually quite pleasant until it hits the chorus, at which point it makes a misguided lurch into the epic.

2.  Fatboy Slim & Riva Starr featuring Beardyman – “Eat Sleep Rave Repeat”

As if that catalogue of credits wasn’t enough, this is actually charting on the strength of the Calvin Harris remix.  The video is refreshingly literal.  Kind of.  There’s not much eating or sleeping.

Riva Starr is apparently an Italian DJ based in London.  Fatboy Slim had his commercial heyday as a solo artist in the late nineties and hasn’t actually been in the top 10 since 2001 – in fact, he hasn’t put out a single since 2006.  His chart career goes all the way back to 1986 when he was a member of the Housemartins, who had the Christmas number 1 that year with “Caravan of Love.”  Fatboy Slim is the one second from the right.

As for Beardyman, he’s the bloke talking, but he’s also a beatboxer who’s been doing the rounds on the live circuit for years.  One of those names I recognise from Fringe posters more than from regular music channels.

1.  Eminem featuring Rihanna – “The Monster”

No video for this yet.  As noted above, this is the instant grat track from “The Marshall Mathers LP 2” that has been nominated to count towards the singles chart, which means that its sales here include all the pre-orders of the album.  Since that album was sitting at number one on iTunes last week on the strength of pre-orders, you might think that’s going to be a substantial quantity, but to be honest, given the strength of the album market these days, I’m not so sure.  It’s probably at number one due to legit singles sales, though – it’s not like the other instant grat tracks were showing anywhere close to this on the iTunes chart, and singles sales must logically be making up the difference.

As for the song, it’s very obviously the radio-friendly unit shifter in comparison to “Berzerk” or “Rap God”.  Fine on that level, but for me, not the most notable of the singles he’s put out over the last few weeks.  It’s still number 1 on iTunes at time of writing, though, so it might be around a while.

This is Eminem’s eighth UK number 1 hit, the others being “The Real Slim Shady”, “Stan”, “Without Me”, “Lose Yourself”, “Just Lose It” and – and this is the point where we go a bit off the beaten track – “Like Toy Soldiers” and “Smack That” (an Akon single where he guested).  The most recent of those was in 2006, though “Love The Way You Lie” was the highest seller of 2010, because although it only made number 2, it hung around forever.

Rihanna also gets her eighth number one, which is a lovely symmetry.  The others were “Umbrella”, “Take a Bow”, “Run This Town” (a Jay-Z single), “Only Girl (In the World)”, “What’s My Name”, “We Found Love” and “Diamonds.”

On the album chart:

• “Reflektor” by Arcade Fire at number 1.  Their second album in a row to top the album chart.  They haven’t made the singles chart since “Wake Up” in 2005.  Video for the title track.
• “Pure Heroine” by Lorde at 4.  The single “Royals” drops to 2 this week.
• “Union J” by Union J at 6.  Debut album from the X Factor boy band.  The single “Beautiful Life” plummets from 8 to 25 this week.
• “Porcelain” by Matt Cardle at 11.  His third album and the lowest position, but still not bad for a winner who’s been cast out of the X Factor fold. The single “Loving You” made 14 in August.
• “Recharged” by Linkin Park at 12.  A remix album.  The single “A Light That Never Comes” scraped the top 40 a few weeks back.
• “The Greatest Hits” by Paul Potts at 21.  The guy who won the first series of Britain’s Got Talent.  Considering he’s only put out two albums, and hasn’t been heard from since 2009, I’d hazard a guess somebody’s burning off his contract.
• “Overgrown” by James Blake at 23, because it won the Mercury Music Prize.  Single: “Retrograde”.
• “That’s What Happens” by Chas ‘n’ Dave at 25.  First new studio album in 18 years from the curiously enduring act widely seen as Cockney novelties.  This album actually consists of a collection of skiffle and blues covers, and has had fairly decent reviews.  Video: “When Two Worlds Collide” (which is apparently not very representative).
• “This Is What I Do” by Boy George at 33.  Also releasing his first new album in 18 years, and selling fewer copies than Chas N’ Dave.  That’s got to sting.  Video: “King of Everything.