No. Not that. Not now…

1. Taylor Swift – “Anti-Hero”

But first… Taylor Swift gets her fourth week at number one. This has grown on me, to be honest. It is a return to Taylor Swift banging on about fame, but it’s a better version of that song than many of her previous singles in the same vein.

We’re going a long way down for the first new entry…

18. Bugzy Malone & TeeDee – “Out of Nowhere”

Bugzy Malone had another track get to number 39 in September, but this matches his all-time peak of 18 with “M.E.N. III”. It’s a weird track – more mainstream dance than typical UK rap, but a bit too wonky to quite count as that either.

TeeDee is the producer. One of his tracks went modestly viral on TikTok earlier in the year, but this is his first appearance in the charts. The video is rap autopilot, template B: “We have hired a nice-ish house and some models, but appear to have no other male friends.”

The sample (or maybe re-creation, who can tell these days) is from “Wile Out” by DJ Zinc featuring Ms Dynamite, which reached number 38 in 2010.

26. Stormzy – “Firebabe”

That’s low for a Stormzy single, but there are a couple of points to bear in mind. First, it’s competing with his main current single “Hide & Seek”, which is still in the top 10. Second, it’s a very atypical Stormzy single – a soul ballad, with no rapping at all.

32. Burna Boy – “Alone”

This is another track from the Black Panther: Wakanda Forever soundtrack album. It’s his third top 40 hit as the lead artist. It’s actually pretty good, though the Rihanna single is the one getting most of the attention; it rebounds into the top ten this week.

And now…

…oh god. Oh no.

You MONSTERS.

36. Mariah Carey – “All I Want for Christmas Is You”

This chart covers sales and streams for the week Friday 11 to Thursday 17 November 2022. We’re not even within a month of Christmas.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

You deserve Elon Musk.

[sigh].

Alright. “All I Want for Christmas” reached number 2 on release in 1994. It’s charted every year since the dawn of the streaming era in 2007, gathering steam each year, and defying all attempts to tilt the chart rules against back catalogue records. It spent two weeks at number 1 over Christmas 2020. It has charted in late November before – in 2020 it entered on the chart of 20 November – but there’s still no excuse for it.

38. Eminem – “Mockingbird”

Well, at least it’s not a Christmas track. “Mockingbird” reached number 4 in 2005 and spent two weeks in the top 10. Apparently it’s gone viral on TikTok.

39. Tiësto & Tate McRae – “10:35”

As an EDM pop track this is actually quite good, and it is a single from Tiësto’s upcoming album. But the video is an advert for new Dubai resort “Atlantis The Royal”, albeit a very nicely shot one, and we’re invited to believe that it inspired the track. Really. Here’s Tiësto in the official press release.

“I’m very excited to be partnering with this iconic new property. Tate and I wanted to create a song that captured the energy of an experience at Atlantis The Royal, and I’m proud the say the feeling of 10:35 and this property are both infectious! So excited for the world to finally hear it.”

40. JVKE – “Golden Hour”

It’s pronounced “Jake”, and he’s from TikTok. This is… melodramatic. The video is dire – painfully literal interpretation lyrics, plus random waving around of the camera. The song itself has its charms, though.

This week’s climbers:

• “Miss You” by Oliver Tree & Robin Schulz climbs 6-3.
• “Made You Look” by Meghan Trainor climbs 8-4.
• “Messy in Heaven” by venbee & goddard climbs 9-5, helped this week by the release of a remix with ArrDee.
• “Calm Down” by Rema climbs 16-10, entering the top 10 in its 10th week on the top 40. It’s a really good track, and I’m glad it’s up here.
• “Warm” by K-Trap climbs 18-17.
• “All for You” by Cian Ducrot climbs 23-19.
• “Kiss Me” by Dermot Kennedy climbs 25-21
• “Lionheart (Fearless)” by Joel Corry & Tom Grennan climbs 30-25.

There are seven new entries this week (well, five new and two re-entries). Making way for them:

• “One Up” by Central Cee, which reached number 17.
• “2 Be Loved (Am I Ready)” by Lizzo, which only got to 16 but lasted ten weeks in the top 40.
• “Delilah (Pull Me Out Of This)” by Fred again.., which got to 35.
• “For My Hand” by Burna Boy featuring Ed Sheeran, which peaked at 18. Don’t worry, Sheeran fans, “Celestial” is still in the top 40.
• “I’m Back” by Fredo, after a week at 33.
• “Die for You” by Joji, after a week at 39.
• “Romantic Homicide” by D4VD, which peaked at 22 but lasted ten weeks.

On the album chart:

1. Louis Tomlinson – “Faith in the Future”

We can’t all be Harry Styles, and none of the singles from this second album even made the top 100. Still, it gets a week at number 1 – which is actually an improvement on its 2020 predecessor “Walls”. That got to number 4, in a pretty quiet week. (It was beaten by a Blossoms album and a Lewis Capaldi album that had already been out for 38 weeks.)

The Wikipedia article on this album is titled “Faith in the Future (Louis Tomlinson album)”. The main “Faith in the Future” article is about an ITV sitcom that ran for 22 episodes in the late 1990s.

2. Bruce Springsteen – “Only the Strong Survive”

It’s an album of R&B and soul covers. His last two studio albums got to number 1, but this is still pretty standard for him at this stage in his career.

Number 5 is a re-entry for “A Family Christmas” by Andrea, Matteo and Virginia Bocelli, which got to number 17 a few weeks back – I assume it came out on a new format or something.

14. Aled Jones & Russell Watson – “Christmas with Aled & Russell”

Not so much a video as an advert, but okay. One for the middle aged gift market. Their last two albums made the top 10, but it’s a Christmas record.

16. Wizkid – “More Love Less Ego”

Finally, Nigerian pop, which hasn’t made quite such an impact on the album chart as it has on the singles chart thus far. Wizkid is the exception, though, since his last album, 2020’s “Made in Lagos”, got to number 15.