Saturday is Eurovision Song Contest day, when people from around the continent of Europe gather around the television to wonder what on earth people in other countries were thinking when they submitted this stuff!

I won’t be following the show live, but having seen the semis, here’s a few quick pointers for the show.

The consensus seems to be that there isn’t a stand-out obvious winner this year.  My bet, though, would be on Sweden’s Eric Saade, the Scandinavian Zac Efron, which is a big electropop stomper, looked great at the semifinals, would actually sell in the real world, but manages to be Extremely Eurovision at the same time.

Its big opponent in that genre is the Russian song “Get You”, which is a RedOne production, but frankly, isn’t in the same league.  Sweden has to do well.

Germany are sending in Lena to defend her title with “Taken By A Stranger”, but I’ll be very surprised if it wins.  Actually, I expect it to crash and burn.  Bluntly, it’s missing a chorus.

Georgia have sent Eldrine, their answer to Evanescence.  A lot of the Eurovision purists seemed to be surprised that this made it past the semifinals, and it’s not going to win, but it’s a welcome inclusion in the final.

Iceland have an outside chance – not only have they staked out uncontested territory by entering a song that Mumford & Sons could have recorded, but they have a human interest angle.  Sjonni, who wrote the song, died shortly before the national final, and the song is now being performed by some of his mates.  And it’s actually quite decent, if you like that sort of thing.

Veteran Moldovan ska-punk band Zdob Si Zdub weren’t supposed to make it past the semifinals, and the BBC commentators couldn’t mask their disbelief, but I kind of like this.  It’s got a brass section! It’s got shouting Moldovans in pointy hats! It’s got a princess on a unicycle!  Moldova didn’t even bother making a promo video for their single, so here’s the semi-final performance.

The Ukrainian entry is pretty forgettable as a song.  But be sure to watch out for the sand artist being live-streamed on the video wall.  She’s incredible.

And I know it sounds ridiculous, but don’t count out Ireland.  Professional irritants they may be, but there’s a reason why Jedward got past the semifinals.  They may be a national joke in Britain and Ireland (and some uncomfortable doubt lingers about just how much they’re in on that joke), but the rest of Europe doesn’t know that.  They’ve got a legion of backing singers to do the actual singing for them, and if you leave your preconceptions aside, “Lipstick” is an above average pop song.  Even if the songwriter did give up near the end and start writing things like “Here I come, here I come / dum de dum de dum de dum”.

The official video is fascinating – a weird mishmash of seemingly serious attempts to make Jedward look like proper stars, lapsing every so often into shambolic performance footage from the national heats.  Even at its best, it’s more of a fashion shoot than a music video.  It really does sum up the current state of their careers.

Finally, what of the songs that didn’t make it past the semifinals?  To be honest, if you skipped the semis, you didn’t miss much – yes, Dana International is back, but the song’s rubbish, so thank your lucky stars you didn’t have to be disappointed by it.

The obligatory baffling comedy entry came from Portugal with “The Struggle Is Joy”.  Quite why the Portuguese thought Europe might embrace a song by an improvised comedy troupe who specialise in parodying the folk songs of the mid-seventies Carnation Revolution, I have no clue.  This is the very definition of a song with zero international appeal (part of the joke, apparently, is that almost all their songs have the word “Struggle” in the title) and you almost have to admire the bloodymindedness of the Portuguese in wasting Europe’s time with it.  Well done, Portugal!

But the most tragic loss from the semifinals is the entry from Belarus.  Conventional wisdom says that if you want to win the Eurovision Song Contest, you go for themes with big, universal appeal.  This is why there are so many songs about love, about dancing, about cross-border togetherness, and (in recent years) about the inadvisability of eco-geddon.  If you must sing about your home country, do some plaintive folk music or plead for the end of a regional conflict.

What you emphatically do not do is get on stage, wave the national flag for three minutes, and tell everyone how awesome you are.

But in Belarus, they see things differently.  The proud last bastion of Communist dictatorship has opted for a genre never before seen in Eurovision: the totalitarian patriotic anthem.  In fact, their first stab – “Born in Belorussia” – was disqualified on the grounds that it had been performed too early last year.  This is good, because “Born in Belorussia” was frankly dreadful.

Having been sent back to the drawing board, Belarus got it right second time round, producing a dementedly bombastic slab of epic patriotism – with a dash of Boney M.  Seriously, if it wasn’t about the awesomeness of Belarus, this could have won.

I give you the most ludicrous – and catchy – record of the year.  I give you “I Love Belarus”.  North Korea, you can learn from this!